I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
