So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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