The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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