11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
