Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
