just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
