After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
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