I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
