some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
