The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dick very happy bro
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
