HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize