I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
