1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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