Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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