You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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