I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
