My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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