no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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