Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
