Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
