i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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