is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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