I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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