Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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