If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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