The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
