His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
