i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
