I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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