I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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