Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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