you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
