i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
