my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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