i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
