When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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