heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
