he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize