you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
