i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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