Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
