Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
