thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize