i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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