I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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