I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
