my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
