Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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