Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
