she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
