Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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