I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
