He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I touched a dick in church today
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
