So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just puked most of my soul out..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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