You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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