I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
