he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
