i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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