Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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