i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
