Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
