the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
