I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize