some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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