I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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