Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize