I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
